Sin

A sin happened in my life and I let in dwell therein. I didn’t
notice the change at first, how things around me seemed
so off key. My resentment of others, who in my eyes, were
no longer the same. The awkwardness of those around me
- as if they didn’t know what to say. I was beginning to feel
really misunderstood.

So, in defense of my uncomfortable ness, I built barriers to
filter things down. But things got worse not better. I got
mad because they wouldn’t understand. Then I became
bitter because of the loneliness surrounding me. And
finally I started blaming any one for my fall because I
couldn’t stand the pain.

Then the Lord took a hold of my life and showed me a sin
that happened way back then. I saw how the sin had colored
my view and changed me not you. That my sin had caused
guilt and it was really I that had misunderstood. I found that
my filters were faulty. And I can now understand that the
loneliness and pain were the results of my sin left so long ago
to dwell within.

So, Lord, I confess my sin to you and ask that you make me
clean. Knowing I can leave it all behind through Your grace
and love divine. Thank you, for freeing me. I owe my life
to you. Your servant Lord, I’ll humbly be. Thank you Lord for
setting me free.

Heaven

The mist of rainbows in the air,
Balmy breezes, rustling the tree tops,
Gently teasing the grass.
Flowers blooming, dazzling bright
In Reverence to the Lord.

A river, so crystal clear and pure,
Springing forth from the Throne,
The Water of Life.
The wolf and lamb,
Rambunctious in playing,
No fear or hunger in the Heart.

Gates of pearl, streets of translucent gold,
The very finest – purer than virgin snow.
Mansions of white gold,
So proud and strong
Scattered in the vale.
Glistening pillars, white and fair.

Stones that sparkle, luster deep,
Caressing captured light within.
Bound to let it out again.
Fountains flowing golden, rainbow hued,
In God’s radiant light.

His Breath a stillness,
A calmness, a silence felt,
Bringing forth the music of
The saints and the King.
Loving, praising, rejoicing
in the Lord of Lords
and King of Kings.

You and I joining hands,
Letting the melodious vibrations
Swell to the ecstasy of
The presence of God.
Awe and wonder, fearful delight
The vision of Three in One
Sitting on Heaven’s Holy Throne.
Angles, graceful and tall,
Elders, straight and true,
With us worship the One Most High.

And looking upon the Grace of God,
The Father and the Lamb,
The universe, the mountains,
And the sea are one.
Endless ages only just begun.

A Common Man

There once was a man,
a very common man.
He was tried and found guilty.
All at his trial cried out for His blood
This common man.

What were his faults?
He had taken Sin,
the adulterers, the murderers,
the thieves, the liars,
the rapists, the molesters,
the idol keepers, even the
faithless followers, and
put them on his shoulders.
This very common man.

This common man, just a carpenter,
slept wherever He could. Wandered around
the country, surely he was a vagabond? And
He ran around with the worst sort of people.
That’s why they took Him, he didn’t belong
In this world.

He wouldn’t give a defense. Just stood there silently.
They whipped Him, mocked him, and took His clothes.
Then sent Him on a death march, with a crown of thorns.

On the cross they hung him, with the epitaph “King of the Jews”
“Father forgive them for they know not what
they are doing” cried this common man as
He looked down from the cross.

For a moment in time, the longest in history,
this common man took all the Sins of this
planet and bore them with his life.
Alone and forsaken, He died on
a cross, This common man.

Darkness seized the planet
and the earth shook with grief.
The veil in the temple was torn
The anger of God was felt.
This common man was he really so?

Three days passed and death
had lost it’s hold.
The dead had risen in Glory as a King.
Saving those, that had eyes that could see,
ears that could hear, hearts that could love,
and faith that could believe.
This was no common man, indeed.

The River of Tears

The river of tears
flowing with the pain,
splashing up the heartache,
the rapids spew forth
the river of tears
of this life. The river
never ending, the life
never mending.

The river of Pain
bleeding, sorrowing
flowing so slowly,
sighing, and crying
continuing to rise with
anguish and fear

The river of pain
no where to stop
the banks are to steep,
crying out in fear.
crying for a love
never fulfilled.

The river of loss
submerging, tumbling
the pounding of the waves,
sinking, drowning,
searching for what?

The torrential rain
feeding the torrential pain.
The deluge of emptiness
not to belong, never to settle.

The river of soul, of___________ ,
***Put your own name there.***
Sorrowing, sighing, heart broken,
pouring, swirling, tossing,
churning, raging, falling tears.
Heart breaking, heart lost.
Carried by the current in
the rejection and loneliness
never ending, clinging
swallowing “Is my soul my
own?” in this river of tears?

Life holds nothing for me.

So tired, no energy, a struggle to get up. Don’t really want to get up. I look at all the things I should be doing. I haven’t the energy. I’m such a failure; I can’t seem to do anything right. Don’t want to be around people, they judge me. No, I am not lazy or am I? And the pressure just keeps on coming. The PAIN mounts, and is life even worth living?

The mountains of grief and shame squeezing, shaping me, making me so little, almost invisible. Everywhere I turn, I see the condemnation is their eyes. I shrink even more, wishing I could fall through the floor. – So, I don’t go out any more.

The mountains of guilt and blame burn so hot. There is no where to go. There is no where to hide in reality. There is no one to understand. I wish I could Die. The heat makes my heart so sore.

The mountain of self-hate, I am so worthless. I am told to “get over it” or “move on”. Everything I do turns out wrong. Wish I hadn’t been born. Can’t stand to look at my self. I take the mountains and stuff them into nowhere. The tears will not flow. I am such a naïve.

The mountains of pain weighing and crushing me down. The rage and resentments of the years cry for freedom. I can’t let them go; the armor I wear has built up in the years. The armor, does it keep me safe or am I just it’s salve? My anger Spirals faster and hotter as each day passes.
The mountains of pain weighing and crushing; The burning, I can’t stop it anymore. I feel like I’m on fire. Don’t anyone touch me. It magnifies the burning. Just leave me alone. No one can help. They don’t know what I have lived through.

The mountains of pain weighing and crushing; The burning, it is consuming me. Why am I even here? I need to hide, I need to die. Then I wont’ have to feel, the hell I have been living. I won’t have to see the hurt I’ve caused. I won’t have to see the looks that go right through me, as if I didn’t exist.

The mountains of pain weighing and crushing; I’m crying silently, no one to see my tears. This hell I’m living, I can’t take it anymore. I have my plan in place. I’m leaving this hell hole. I won’t have to suffer the pain that comes like waves hitting the shores, I’ll let go. Life holds nothing for me. Life holds nothing for me!!! LIFE HOLDS NOTHING FOR ME!!!!

I have been in a Christmas miracle.

My sister is in a nursing home. She hasn't had any one to visit her or call her since my brother moved her to the nursing home she resides in now. I have not been emontionally able to be with Peggy or been able to take her any where. I am in a better emotional space now, thanks to the Lord. On her birthday, November 23rd, I took Peggy out to breakfast/brunch at Cracker Barrell. Then I took her to get a manicure and a pedicure. For the pedicure, dead skin just rolled off Peggy's legs. And there was tons of dead skin left. So, I decided then that I would get Peggy again and give her a real good shower/bath.
Well, that was this Wednesday, December 2nd,. I didn't sleep Tuesday night because I was really pushing to get the Christmas cards done. I wanted Peggys's friends to know her address and phone number (I put a letter in with the Christmas cards). So I drove down to Indy picked up Peggy, we went to Crakcer Barrell for Breakfast again. I still needed some more Christmas cards. So, after eating we went to Wal*Mart and did some shopping for her and me. Well, I went to get her a motorized cart, I told her to go into the vision dept. there and make an appointment. (She couldn't read the menu for breakfast and had to use my glasses.) Well, I got back to her with the cart and they had made an appointment for 1:30 - an hour and a half away. So, I gave in and said o.k.

Peggy needs to have 2 surgeries, 1st for the renital bleeding in her right eye. She is practically blind in that eye right now. The second is the there is a growth over her cataract implant that needs to be removed. Peggy will have surgery on Dec. 9th, to take care of the bleeding. Her next eye surgery will by on Dec. 16. I have it all set up that I don't have to be there.

Well, back to Wednesday, I didn't get over to Linda's, my girlfriend, till about 4:00 to give Peggy her bath. I had to do a tremendous amount of physical effort to get that chore done. (Peggy weights about 240 and was unable to help herself into the van and into the bath tub.)

I drove Peggy back to the nursing home with a list of things that needed to be done and looked at. Then Linda and I ate dinner after this so I didn't start back to Monticello, till about 7:00 p.m. It was raining cats and dogs all the way. I had been fighting nodding off for about the last 15 miles before I was to take the exit off of I-65. So I was planning as soon as I got off the interstate I was going to pull off and take a short nap.

I didn't make it the last 2 miles. I bounced off the railings did a couple of 360's ended on the median hooked upon the cable barrier. Boy did the Lord take good care of me. I did not hit another car - Thank-you Lord, I was able to get off the cable barrier, and I could back up a bit but it was so muddy that was it. I called 911. A police trouper came, said he wasn't even going to put in a report. Then called a tow truck to come and get me.

He towed me to my exit, then I went on and got home. Didn't even look at the van's damage. On the drivers side is was covered from top to bottom with grass and mud. Even the hard rain didn't wash it off. I was not hurt at all. I am feeling fine. Yesterday, I went to State Farm and from there to Monticello body and collision shop. The estimate to fix the van is #$3,741.98 - my $250.00 deductible. The gentleman who gave me the quote said that it was 150% over the book price of the van. So, it is totaled. I have a rental car (insurance is paying for it) right now, till all the paper work is taken care of. Which should be in 4 or 5 days. So, right now I am not going to worry about transportation. But sure could use some prayer - don't have much to replace a car with. God has just really taken real good care of me. He also let me know that I can't do the type of physical effort that I was taking for Peggy any more, and I told her that. Also, I don't need to be doing any more all night'ers. Trust in the LORD!!!!
My therapist has introduced me to a gentleman that can help me get my poems published possibly, so I am really excited about that. I have talked to him over the phone once. And I am going to put pictures with the poems then let him see them. So, do some praying.

I have started back doing my exercise daily and getting up at 6:30 every morning. I feel I am getting my life back finally. A slow but sure process that the Lord and I are taking. I started writing again. And for me that is a real turning point.


Dad Lowman, is not doing well. He has Alheizmers. He is not recognizing the house, Mom or me at times. He says he wants to shoot himself, walk out into the lake and drown himself, or set fire to whatever. He is refusing to eat, which means he is not getting his medication - schedule wise and just refusing or spitting it out. I don't like the doctor that Mom took Dad to. He talked right in front of Dad about the possibility of his being put in a nursing facility. We had expressly asked that the doctor just talk to Mom about that. I suggested getting a second opinion - Mom wouldn't hear of it. I can do more with Dad than Mom can at this point. My suspicion is Dad is being passive aggressive, to Mom''s frustration. So, this is another prayer request.

But I am just overjoyed that God saved me again from my own follies. I was in a miracle - Know that the Lord God is real, and He loves each and every one of us.

Speech

Serpent tongue, fierce and strong,
Look around they’re everywhere.
Spitting acid, burning long,
Flaying bare, the open wounds,
The scars so ugly there.
Who will care to look upon me?

Serpent tongue, swift with poison,
Spreading here and everywhere.
In thy path darkness follows,
Screeching and whining
for your venom to work.
The colors of me so dark and drab,
Who will care to look upon me?

Serpent tongue, disguised in beauty,
Tearing away, just at any place.
Your fading glow betrays your visage,
Showing Hell for what it is.
Giving Hell, so sameness can be.
So, who will care to look upon me?

Serpent tongue, vile with lies
The Lord gave the truth,
and in weakness you run.
He gives courage and grace
I spoke the Lord’s love aloud.
Yes, hell, the fates, yourself and the shame,
Consume till you exist no more.
freeing me, to be me.

Serpent tongue, empty shell,
Desolate being, never caring,
Shifting sands cover quickly.
Who will care to look for you?